Embracing the Gloom

Not a HAPI Story.

Today feels different. It's one of those days where everything feels just a little heavier, and the energy I usually carry seems to be running on low. I'm not entirely sure why, but perhaps it's the gloomy weather outside that's seeped into my mood. The sky, overcast with thick clouds, seems to be mirroring what's happening inside me.

There’s a kind of weight that accompanies days like this. It’s not necessarily sadness, but a sort of emotional fog that clouds my thoughts and makes everything feel a little more challenging. It’s the kind of day where even the simplest tasks seem to require more effort than usual, and motivation feels distant.

But I’m learning to just feel it. To acknowledge the emotions without trying to force them away or bury them under layers of distractions. It’s okay to have days like this, to not always be at your best. After all, we’re only human.

I think there's a certain beauty in being honest with ourselves about these moments. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows; sometimes, it's okay to just sit with the clouds, to let them linger without rushing them away. I’m giving myself permission to be present in this feeling, to let it wash over me without judgment.

Sometimes, just documenting these emotions helps—putting them into words, recognizing their presence, and letting them exist without trying to change them immediately. There’s something therapeutic about writing it down, almost as if capturing the emotion on paper (or screen) makes it easier to carry.

And who knows? Maybe by the time the sun decides to peek through the clouds again, I'll feel lighter too. But for now, I’m here, in this moment, just feeling it in.

Not a HAPI Ending.

Winning the Pandemic from Within

 

I have been attending for the past two weeks an early morning session from a group in the Philippines. I am proud to say that I never missed a single session! Yay! This is not me. I know for sure that God called me once again to explore. Isa akong Dora na pagala gala na sumusunod sa utos ni Papa. Haha!

There is a weekly session that I am not able to attend due to the busyness of my schedule. Yes, kunyari, busy ang lola niyo. Last Saturday, since they moved it to a morning session, I was able to attend the Liturgical Bible Study (LBS). In there, we break and digest the word of God.

I knew He has been meaning to send this message to me. Ako lang talaga yun makulit na ayaw makinig. We started with the gospel. The line that strikes me is “STOP MURMURING AMONG YOURSELVES.” 

 Not known to all, I have been bearing this message from someone “Di naman educator si Ms.Nina”.  For the past years, I was carrying that phrase. Though, I know I was called to this mission and I knew that this is where I am called to beyoutofull as He spoke to me in one of my prayer time. Still, it has been affecting me for the longest period. 

That same person actually advised me to be careful of the voice that I am listening to. Which I took to the heart. 

I have been praying to God na sana makabalik na ako sa routine ko kasi kating kati na akong magtrabaho. As if di ako nagwork ano? I know God has put a big dream in my heart but I do not know why I am being held up with what. Confused ang lola mows.

Sabi ni Lord, tumigil ka na Nina. 

Why would you question yourself with the voice that tells you that you are not where you are or not capable of the position I asked you to take? Have I not told you that you are the chosen one (Di ako nagpromote ng Movie na ito ha). Hehe. Sabi ni Lord. Stop na. Anuveh!

We then followed it up with the First Reading and how it was connected to the gospel. GET UP AND EAT, ELSE THE JOURNEY WILL BE TOO LONG FOR YOU. 

Ayun, sapol na naman po tayo ni Lord ano po? I have a lot of projects on hand. Bountiful, I am not complaining as I like it, pero meron talagang holding moment to move on. 

I was nursing too much on words that was uttered by someone who did not even call me to that mission. I have been listening to the voices that are meant to distract me from fulfilling my purpose. Though I chose not to react and take the higher road, deep within I was carrying something heavy.

God is good all the time! I have been telling this to Coach Edwin, I AM LUCKY! Sino ba naman di maswerte di ba? Ask and You shall Receive. Ayan, binigay niya sa akin itong group from Pinas. (By the way, I miss you PILIPINS!!! Super!!!)

I know the journey is still long. I asked God to sustain me until I am 80! Wala pa nga akong kalahati, bibigay na ba agad ako???? Mahaba pa ang paglalakbay sabi niya kaya eat muna tayo!

Pero sabi ni Lord, teka, bago ka muling maglakbay. Mag-unload ka muna. Travel Light. I shared sa aking HFSE Dream Team that LIGHT means magaan at maliwanag. We need to have both. We may be going through this pandemic and personal pandemic within, but we need to see to it that we travel light. Kaya ayan, fully surrendered na din kay Lord yun mga emotions that are not from Him. I have been telling myself that I am serving a happy God. That God lives within me, so I need to be happy within. Jesus has been my SONshine anyway.

From Bitter to Better. Kababasa ko lang sa isang fb post. Ayan, we are constantly being reminded to look for the good in everything. Actually, look for the better and if possible look for the best in everything that is happening. 

And the responsorial Psalm has been the highlight of all His messsages. Ang sarap talaga na bumalik sa salita ng Diyos, himayin at nguyain mong mabuti ang mga salita niya. Di lang busog ang isip ko. Busog na din ang puso ko.  

I am back to blogging, Finally! Hopefully, I am able to do it on a regular basis. Blogging has been my thought sanctuary. This space has been the resting place on my ever busy mind. (Bakekang Thinks – di kasi maganda yun past tense. Haha!)

It has been the greatest two weeks since pandemic that I ever had! Yes, walang halong biro! My hubby Popoy can attest to that! Hahaha!

At the end of it all, I am once again reminded that we are warriors of life, we may be coming wounded  but we should never be forever be wounded. Otherwise, whenever people touch our wound, it will hurt.

Today, God spoke to me which I was not able to share to the team that is why I am sharing this to the world!  For us to have a breakthrough, we need to be broken for Him to break inside us and be able to win the battle from within.

We need to heal within. Be truly happy within. Win Within. 

"The battle is won before it is fought." - Lao Tzu

Yes, panalo na naman si Bakekang! Ayos! Join ka na din sa aming masaya at magandang umaga!

Nagmamahal,

Ninalyn

P.S.

Ito ang Link ng Page: RISE UP, THE 5AM CLUB

Ito naman ang FB Page ko, PM mo lang ako for more information.

Salamat sa pagtambay sa aking blog! More sharings to come!

 

Bakekang is Back in 2020!!!

Ako si Bakekang

Isang nilalang na ipinanganak ng may angking kagandahan. Di ko namalayan na mayroon pala ako nun. Akala ko nun una, sila lang ang may itsura. At ako, alamak! Hitsuraaaa Basura! Lumaki akong may pagimbot sa mga taong hinusgahan ang aking pagkatao. Kaya bata pa lang ako, pinili kong manatiling totoo sa mga bansag ng mga nilalang na isa akong sumpa. Mataray yan. Suplada yan. Mataas yan. Mayabang yan. Sumpang magbibigay ng pagbabago. Kung mabuti o masama, di ko alam yun. Masaya naman ang buhay ng aking kabataan. Hindi kami ganoon kahirap pero di naman kami ganon kayaman. Ika nga nila, sapat lang. Kaya nanatili akong okay na yun sapat lang. Ito lang ang kaya ko. Ito lang binigay sa akin. Hanggang sa mapadpad ako sa isang lugar na iminulat ako ng katotohanan. Di lang pala ako isang nilalang na may kagandahan. Napakaganda ko pala. Hahaha! Sa totoo lang, dun sa lihim na hardin ako nauupo at nagtanong kung bakit sa huling dalawang taon ng aking sekondarya e..lumipat pa ako ng paaralan. Lalo ko tuloy naramdaman ang pangungutya at kababaan ng sarili. Pero si Lord talaga, laging joker sa buhay ko. Binigyan ako ng confidence na wala sa iba. Bwahahaha! Lagi kong sinasabi nun sa aking matalik na kaibigan na si Dianne, I have my beautiful, sexy and curved body. (May katotohanan naman. Harhar!) Pero sa amin lang yun. Lihim na sikreto kong mantra para maitaas ang lumulubog na kumpiyansa sa sarili. Pinilit kong magaral ng mabuti. Masasabi kong di naman ako honour e..may naitatago akong kayabangan este kagalingan. Pinilit kong gawin yun mga bagay na masaya ako ng palihim. Hehe. Magaral, Kumain at Magaral ulit. Nanatili ako sa sulok ng eskwelahan na may isang pangarap. Ang mapatunayan na ako naman ay may maiaambag din sa mundong ibabaw. Maraming tao sa akin nun ang naiinis. Pero ang katarayan ang aking sandata sa mga sugat na dala ko na laging nadadanggi kaya hindi naghihilom. Hanggang, isang araw nagpakita siya sa akin. Napakaliwanag. Sa huling araw ng aming high school retreat. Napaiyak na lang ako sa boses na aking narinig. Ang katahimikan ay nakakabingi ngunit ang alingawngaw mula sa pusong dakila ang siyang nangibabaw. Simula noon, di naman ako nagbago. Hehe. Akala mo no? Pero sa ilalim ng puso ko, may lugar na alam kong pede kong balikan sa panahon na kailangan kong hugutan. Pero bakit nga kasi Bakekang. Aba! Basahin mo sa susunod kong liham! Nagmamahal, Ninalyn

Brilyanteng Puti

Napagalamanan kong Isa pala akong sanggre. Si Bakekang, na may hawak ng brilyanteng puti. Simbolo ng pusong busilak ang kalooban. Di lang alam bakit ako ipinatapon ng aking ina at ama sa mundo ng mga tao. Ano kaya ang aking nagawang kasalanan?

Ngayon, ay kung mamarapatin niyo, ninanais ng aking pusong muling makabalik sa aking pinagmulan, ang Engkantandia.

Ano na kaya ang kanyang istura. Akong nangangarap ng gising. Wari ko ay parating na ako sa aking dating tirahan.

Ngunit bakit ganoon? Parang lumalayo ang lagusan? Muling nagsasara?

Siguro nga ay meron pa akong kailangang gawin dito sa kanilang mundo.

Wag kang mag-alala aking kaibigan, nakikita kong ikaw din ay isang sanggre. Iyo lamang isipin at pangalagaan ang iyong brilyanteng puti. Wag kang papayag na makuha ng isang Pirena ang iyong brilyante at mahaluan ito ng pulang simbolo ng paghihigante. Dahil mawawala ang kinang ng iyong brilyante. Hayaan mo sanang manatili ang puti na simbolo ng tunay mong kalooban. Wagas at walang bahid ng ano pa mang kasamaan.

At kung sakaling, nawawala ang kinang ng iyong brilyante. Ikaw ay tumakbo sa mahal na Emre. Madali lang siyang lapitan, siya ay nabubuhay sa katauhan ng ibang sanggre may hawak ng brilyanteng iyong tangan.

Ang brilyanteng iyong tangan ay kikinang ng higit pa sa sikat ng araw kapag nagsama ang ibang pang brilyanteng puti.

Kaya iyong alagaan, mahalaga ka at napakalaking bahagi ng malaking brilyanteng puti na siyang magiging pinakamalakas sa buong engkantadia. Pakinangin mo ito sa pagkalat ng pagmamahal at kapayapaan.

Hanggang sa muli, tayo ay muling magkikita, mahal na Sanggre.

Nagmamahal,

Sanggre Bakekang

Dream Last Night 29.Sept.2013

Setting:  A place in Singapore kampong area. 

I am taking care of Yana and Gab. I have to go to the office at around 2pm. 

Nanay helped me to have Yana take a bath. A small improvised pool was there. Gab dip into the small pool and took a bath by himself.

 We are in the bus going around. The two boys who we know and was our friend (but I do not know in real life) said we need to go around the roads so we won't be penalised for long parking.

When we got back to the house. Yana already dressed. Nanay was eating. I told My director David that I need to go to the office for the stuff that I need to prepare. David agreed. I asked Nanay where she is going. She told me, she is going to Intro. I asked her what did Intro said as if there were stuffs already been discussed in the past. This is the first time I heard her speak in my dream. :) Nanay said Intro said there was still no job for her.  I told her of my planned business and then proceed to go to the office with my gab.

Thank You Nanay. I know you are always there watching over us always. You are so alive, happy and with your trademark smile. ❤️💃😄

This keeps me looking forward to this new beginning. :)

God bless this day and the days to come.🌇

Aja Bakekang 👸!!!

Heartburn

Today, you made me feel that I am worthless.

Sad Bakakeng :(

Random Thoughts

I woke up today not feeling good. But because, today is Thursday and tomorrow is friday, I have to shrug off this negative feeling. Popoy will be away for the next three day and I will be a single mom. Haha.

Then, suddenly, this gray feeling turned into happiness. I now look forward with Gab over the weekend. Planning for a short morning walk nearby. Remake of our home made playdoh. Woot.

Thank God for the times I am away from Popoy. I will miss him but will definitely enjoy the time alone with my little man.

Happy Thursday Bakekang.

Tough Love

Dearest Singapore,

February 2009, it was more than three years and I am happy to look back. Unaware of what we have ahead, I still insist to go and try to see you personally. Bringing with me, an empty pocket, a bag full of dreams and a positive heart to keep them come true. When we first met, I am definite that it is love at first sight. :)

I must admit that we have a love-hate relationship in the beginning. I love to be here with you and you hate me being here. Sad as it may seem, I need to accept it. I know your reason and I fully understand. Yet, I believe I must fight for this new found love in you.

Our more than three years relationship (and still going. yey!) is not as smooth as most relationship is. I insist to be here with you so you can know what my love can do for you, yet you asked me to go. During 2010, I have to let go for a moment. I felt torn and tired to keep pushing for this love. But I still believe I have to fight for it. Back in my heart and mind, I know that the best is yet to come.

2011 came and the longing to see you again grows continously each passing day. The love I have for you has grown big that I cannot contain any longer. I must come back and offer it to you once again. When we met for the second time, it was tough for me to convince you to open your door and start this wonderful life together.


It is not once, not twice, not even thrice that I got rejected by you. But my love is too strong. After the nth rejection, you came to a decision to give me this chance to prove myself. This is the start of our wonderful journey together and that I have to thank you.

Thank you Singapore.

Thank you for letting us keep our family together here with you. Thank you for adopting us (may it be temporarily or permanently, we are happy)

Thank you for the wonderful memories that we have during our courting stage. :)

Thank you for not accepting us for the first, second, third and fourth time, it kept us to prove that our love for you is genuine.

Thank you for the wonderful parks, roads, clean air and safe environment, nice amenities, the great people who offered a harmonic culture that you have willingly shared to us.

Thank you for the experience. We do not know what lies ahead nor our future together. What I am certain is, that as long as we have this kind of relationship. I promise to take good care of you and be a responsible part of your society.

Maligayang Kaarawan Singapura! (Happy Birthday Singapore)

We do love you.

Nina, Gary and Gabriel